Review Buku The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read
Judul : The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read
(and Your Children Will be Glad That You Did)
Penulis : Philippa Perry
Jenis Buku : Parenting
Penerbit : Penguin Random House UK
Tahun Terbit : Maret 2019
Jumlah Halaman : 256 halaman
Dimensi Buku : 5.43 x 0.91 x 8.03 inci
Harga : Rp. 330.000 *harga sewaktu-waktu dapat berubah
ISBN : 9780241250990
Hardcover
Edisi Bahasa Inggris
Available at PERIPLUS BANDUNG Bookstore (ig @Periplus_setiabudhi, @Periplus_husein1 , @Periplus_husein2)
Sekelumit Tentang Isi
Setiap orangtua ingin anaknya bahagia, tetapi orang tua yang bahagia terkadang tidak berarti anaknya juga bahagia.
Dalam bukunya, The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read, Philippa Perry membagikan beberapa wawasan yang dapat membantu para orangtua untuk:
- memahami bagaimana pengasuhan orangtua di masa lalu dapat memengaruhi pola asuh ke anak
- menerima bahwa orangtua bisa membuat kesalahan, dan mempelajari apa solusinya
- memutus siklus dan pola negatif
- menangani perasaan orangtua sendiri dan anak
- memahami apa yang dikomunikasikan oleh berbagai perilaku.
Ini adalah buku yang tidak menghakimi dan jauh dari kata menggurui. Sebuah buku yang tidak akan membuat kita merasa bersalah dan buruk sebagai orangtua.
Yuk kita intip daftar isinya:
Content
Forward
Introduction
PART ONE: YOUR PARENTING LEGACY
The past comes back to bite us (and our children)
Rupture and repair
Repairing the past
How we talk to ourselves
Good parent/bad parent: the downside of judgement
PART TWO: YOUR CHILD'S ENVIRONMENT
It's not family structure that matters, it's how we all get on
When parents aren't together
How to make pain bearable
When parents are together
How to argue and how not to argue
Fostering goodwill
PART THREE: FEELINGS
Learning how to contain feelings
The importance of validating feelings
The danger of disallowing feelings: a case study
Rupture and repair and feelings
Felt with, not dealt with
Monsters under the bed
The importance of accepting every mood
The demand to be happy
Distracting away from feelings
PART FOUR: LAYING A FOUNDATION
Pregnancy
Sympathetic magic
What's your parent tribe?
The baby and you
Making your birth plan
Debriefing from the birthing experience
The breast crawl
The initial bond
Support: to parent we need to be parentied in turn
Attachment theory
Coercive cries
Different hormones, a different you
Loneliness
Post-natal depression
PART FIVE: CONDITIONS FOR GOOD MENTAL HEALTH
The bond
The give and take, to and fro of communication
How dialogue begins
Turn-taking
When dialogue is difficult: diaphobia
The importance of engaged observation
What happens when you're addicted to your phone
We are born with an innate capacity for dialogue
Babies and children are people too
How we train our children to be annoying and how to break that cycle
Why a child becomes ‘clingy’
Finding meaning in childcare
Your child's default mood
Sleep
What is sleep nudging?
Helping, not rescuing
Play
PART SIX: BEHAVIOUR: ALL BEHAVIOUR IS COMMUNICATION
Role models
The winning and losing game
Going with what is working in the present rather than what you fantasize may happen in the future
The qualities we need to behave well
If all behaviour is communication, what does this or that inconvenient behaviour mean?
Investing time positively earlier rather than negatively later
Helping behaviour by putting feelings into words
When explanations are unhelpful
How strict should a parent be?
More on tantrums
Whingeing
Parental lying
Children s lies
Boundaries: define yourself and not the child
Setting boundaries with older children and teenagers
Teenagers and young adults
And finally: when we're all grown up
Epilogue
Further Reading/Listening/Watching
Acknowledgments
Index
Seputar Fisik Buku dan Disainnya
Yang saya sukai dari buku ini adalah disain sampulnya yang cerah, kombinasi warna oranye dan birunya membuat buku ini stunning saat difoto. Buku yang saya baca ini versi hardcover, jadi memang kokoh secara fisik. It didn't ring any bell when I read Philippa Perry's name. Ini memang buku pertama dari Perry yang saya baca. Tapi judul bukunya sendiri serta merta menarik perhatian saya terutama karena saya menyukai buku-buku parenting.
Yang menarik dan atau disuka dari Buku ini
Saya pernah, dan saya mengerti bahwa emosi seperti itu tidak membawa kebaikan dalam kehidupan anak saya. Saya yakin anak-anak bisa berkembang maksimal jika memiliki hubungan yang baik dengan orang tua.
The core of parenting is the relationship you have with your child. If people were plants, the relationship would be the soil. The relationship supports, nurtures, allows growth – or inhibits it. Without a relationship they can lean on, a child's sense of their security is compromised. You want the relationship to be a source of strength for your child – and, one day, for their children too.
(chapter forward)
I met Mark when he came to a parenting workshop I was running – his wife, Toni, had suggested he attend. At the time, their son, Toby, was nearly two. Mark told me he and his wife had agreed not to have children but that, at the age of forty, Toni changed her mind. After a year of trying and a year of IVF, she got pregnant.
Considering we worked so hard in getting there, it surprises me now, looking back, how hazy I was about what life with a baby would be like. I think I must ve got my idea of parenthood from watching television, when the baby is miraculously mostly asleep in a cot and hardly ever cries.
Once Toby was born, the reality of no longer having any spontaneity and flexibility, of the tedium of a baby, of one of us always being on baby duty around the clock, meant I began to swing between feeling resentful or depressed or both.
Two years on, I'm still not enjoying my life. Toni and I don't talk about anything other than Toby and, if I try to talk about something else, it reverts to him in under a minute. I know I'm being selfish but that doesn't stop me feeling like I'm on a short fuse. I don't see myself living with Toni and Toby for much longer, to be honest.
I asked Mark to tell me about his childhood. All he could say was that he wasn't very interested in exploring it with me, as it had been completely normal. ...
...
I didn't see Mark until six months later, at a different workshop. He told me he'd been feeling depressed and, rather than just dismissing it, he'd decided to start having therapy. To his surprise, he told me, he found himself crying and shouting in the therapist's room about his own father leaving him.
...
Mark repaired the rupture with Toby – his desire to desert him – by looking into his own past in order to understand what was happening in the present. Then he was able to change his attitude towards being with his son. It was a though he could not unlock his love until he had unlocked his grief.
Page 21
A parent once asked me whether it was dangerous to apologize to children. ‘But don't they need you to be right, otherwise they wont feel secure?’ she asked. No! What children need is for us to be real and authentic, not perfect.
Think back to your childhood: were you made to feel ‘bad’ or in the wrong, or even responsible for your parents’ bad moods? If it happened to you, it is all too easy to try to repair your feeling of being wrong by making someone else feel wrong, and the victims of this are, far too often, our children.
A child's own instincts will tell them when we are not in tune with them or with what's happening and, if we pretend that we are, we will dull their instincts. For example, if we pretend that, as adults, we are never wrong, the result can be a child who...
Page 18
If we separate the content of what Elaine is doing into a process, it goes like this:
- First, recognize the voice.
- Don't engage with it or argue with it. Instead, treat it like somebody awkward who you can shake off if you acknowledge what they've said but without colluding with them, by thinking, for example, ‘You are entitled to your opinion.’
- Expand your comfort zone. By doing the thing your inner critic says you can't, you'll find more confidence. It's a real thing you can remember when self-doubt creeps in.
- Being aware of the dangers of passing your inner critic on to your child will give you an extra incentive to be mindful of it.
Page 27
Some of Nova's cousins needed a ride, and one, unknowingly, sat in Nova's usual seat. She started to cry. I'd usually have said either. ‘Don't make a fuss, just sit somewhere else,’ or asked her cousin to move. But what I did was crouch down so we were on the same level and say softly and gently to her. ‘It's really hard for you to see Max in your seat. You really want to sit there, don't you?’ Her crying subsided a bit and she looked back at me. I really felt for her and I felt that she saw it in my face. Told her she'd be able to sit there next time. And I asked, ‘Where do you want to sit now, by the window or on the booster seat in the front?’ To my surprise, she went and fetched the booster seat and strapped herself in and began happily chatting.
Telling Nova off and cajoling her had just been making her more stubborn. When she saw that her dad really did feel sorry for her, she no longer needed to keep clinging to her point. Dave validated Nova's feelings. ...
Page 69
Exercise for coping with loneliness
- Be prepared to recognize when you are lonely. Don't deny it or judge yourself negatively for feeling it
- Understand what loneliness does to you: remember, as a member of a social species, it's dangerous to feel isolated
- Learn to recognize that hyper-vigilant state so you can over ride it – don't be a fruit fly. Quite often, new parents don't want to join groups because they'll feel too clever ...
Page 120
Bagian post-natal depression adalah topik yang menarik buat saya karena saya pernah mengalaminya dulu saat anak pertama saya lahir. Sangat disayangkan support system dari orang terdekat yang saya harapkan malah tidak ada, dan saya merasa desperate serta exhausted, kelelahan fisik dan mental yang amat sangat sehingga rasanya ingin pergi dari rumah, kondisi ini salah satunya terpicu karena saya melahirkan secara caesar yang artinya proses penyembuhannya mencapai satu bulan setelah bayi lahir. Ternyata penjelasan dan solusinya ada di buku ini, dan saya menyukai bahwa di sebuah buku parenting, penulisnya begitu ingin membahagiakan dan mementingkan kondisi orangtuanya juga, sebelum berbicara tentang pengasuhan anak. Begitu bayi lahir, orang-orang sekitar kadang lupa ada seorang ibu yang juga sama butuh dukungan dan perhatian lebih, bukan dinilai dan dihakimi ini dan itu :D.
Post-natal depression
Loneliness can be a factor in post-natal depression too, although depression after the birth or the acquisition of parental responsibility has many cause. Symptoms of post-natal depression include: irritability, deep sadness and despair, feeling useless, anxiety, insomnia, every small thing feeling like it takes a huge effort, wanting to hide away from others, thoughts of self-hram and, in extreme cases, psychosis. Post-partum depression affects 10 to 15 per cent of new mothers each year. Several studies also suggest that as many as to per cent of fathers also suffer from this psychological disorder.
...
Page 121
Topik latihan tidur terpisah untuk anak juga buat saya menarik, karena topik ini pernah dibahas oleh Esther Wojcicki dalam bukunya How to Raise Successful People dimana di sana ia menjelaskan ketika ia memisahkan anak-anak untuk tidur sendiri di ranjang mereka dan itu membuat mereka bisa lebih cepat mandiri. Saya berpikir bahwa dalam prosesnya tentu ada drama, dan tekad orangtua haruslah kuat. Tapi di buku Perry ini, saya mendapatkan gambaran yang lebih fair dan lebih gentle untuk proses ini. That's why I like this book a lot.
The parental sleep obsession is easy to understand because having interrupted sleep can leave you exhausted. But I believe our preoccupation in wanting to push our children into getting to sleep, and by themselves too, as fast and as early as possible has the potential to harm our relationship with them and therefore has the possibility to interfere with their capacity for happiness later in life. This is because babies and children do not learn to soothe themselves and regulate their emotions by being left alone but by being soothed by a carer, time and time again. As they grown up they eventually learn to internalize that soothing. In other words, we learn to self-soothe by being soothed by others. And to begin with, this soothing is a twenty-four-hour job, which can be something of a jolt for new parents.
If your child associates sleep with comfort, security and company, they'll feel good about going to bed and sleeping. We get into trouble with sleep when we try to push our children away from us when we want them to sleep. ...
Page 152
Baca juga Review Buku "How to Raise Successful People - Esther Wojcicki"
Ada bagian dalam penjelasan Perry juga yang berupaya memperlebar insight materi dan perspektifnya karena membahasnya dari budaya lain di luar barat sana.
In most of Western culture, there seems to be some sort of race to get children to be alone at night. It might be because we prioritize our fast-paced lives and what we perceive to be society's expectations of us over the necessity of following our instincts to attend to a coercive cry. ...
...
In southern Europe, Asia, Afrika and Central and South America, sharing a sleeping space with parents is the norm for babies until they are fully weaned and often beyond that, as in Japan. We are in the minority in the West to think it is acceptable to have babies sleeping separately from their parents.
...
Page 153
Dan sebagai penutup ada epilog yang memang saya tunggu-tunggu karena merupakan semacam ringkasan dari keseluruhan materi yang telah dipaparkan di semua babnya.
Epilogue
Dressing them, feeding them, washing them and putting them to bed...
Let's go back to the introduction and the comedian's joke of the four things you need to do with children. ‘get them dressed, feed them, wash them and put them to bed’. Doing this – being a parent – may not be the picnic you envisaged, but I hope it will be easier when you do the following things:
- You put aside any blocks your own childhood that inhibit your warmth and acceptance, physical touch, physical presence and understanding.
- You create a safe, harmonious home environment where differences can be worked through safely.
- You accept your child needs play with people of all ages, soothing experiences and a lot of your attention and time.
- ...
- ...
- ..
Page 235
Jelas bahwa buku ini bukan jenis buku parenting yang to the point langsung ke teknikal pengasuhan anak seperti how to potty-training dan lain sebagainya. Buku ini terutamanya membahas hubungan kita sebagai orangtua dengan anak-anak kita, dan bagaimana cara kita supaya bisa memiliki hubungan kasih sayang yang baik dan bisa mengembangkannya sampai titik dimana kualitas hubungan tersebut bisa terkoneksi pada pembentukan karakter yang optimal untuk anak dan orangtua. Di buku ini tidak akan ada tips-tips atau trik dan parenting hacks, tapi buku ini jelas memuat semua hal yang seorang anak akan berharap orangtuanya membaca buku ini.
Siapa Philippa Perry
Philippa Perry telah menjadi psikoterapis selama dua puluh tahun terakhir. Ia seorang penulis lepas, dan presenter TV dan radio. Perry mengerjakan beberapa film dokumenter, termasuk di antaranya, The Truth about Children Who Lie, The Age of Emotion and Humiliation for BBC Radio 4: Being Bipolar for Channel 4: Sex, Lies and Love Bites, a History of Agony Aunts and How to be a Surealis dengan Philippa Perry untuk BBC4. Phillipa Perry juga menulis dua buku lain, Coach Fiction, a Graphic Tale of Psychoterapy dan How to Stay Sanes. Dia tinggal di London bersama suaminya, artis Grayson Perry, dan mereka memiliki seorang putri yang sudah dewasa, Flo.
Sumber: Buku The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read
Philippa Perry (lahir 1957) adalah seorang psikoterapis dan penulis Inggris. Dia telah menulis novel grafis, Coach Fiction; a graphic tale of psychotherapy (2010), [1] dan How to Stay Sane (2012) [2] dan The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read (and Your Children Will be Glad That You Did) (2019).
Philippa Perry lahir di Warrington, Lancashire. Keluarga ibunya memiliki pabrik kapas dan ayahnya mewarisi perusahaan teknik dan pertanian. Dia dididik di sekolah berasrama dan di sekolah penyelesaian Swiss.
Perry bekerja sebagai juru tulis litigasi, agen penyelidikan, dan karyawan McDonald's. Ia kuliah di Middlesex Polytechnic di mana dia memperoleh gelar di bidang Seni Rupa sebagai siswa dewasa. Pada tahun 1985 dia dilatih dan menjadi sukarelawan untuk orang Samaria, setelah itu dia dilatih sebagai psikoterapis. Perry bekerja di bidang kesehatan mental selama 20 tahun, sepuluh tahun dalam praktik pribadi, sebelum dipublikasikan. Pada tahun 2010 ia bergabung dengan fakultas School of Life.
Dia memiliki kolom reguler tentang psikoterapi di Psychologies Magazine selama dua tahun; pada September 2013 ia menjadi agony aunty di Red Magazine. Ia juga bekerja sebagai jurnalis lepas dengan spesialisasi psikologi dan sesekali menjadi presenter untuk The Culture Show di BBC Two.
Perry mengerjakan film dokumenter termasuk: Sex Lies and Lovebites: The Agony Aunt Story (BBC Four); Being BiPolar (Channel 4); The Truth About Children Who Lie (BBC Radio 4); dan The Great British Sex Survey (Channel 4).
Pada tahun 2010 penerbit akademis, Palgrave Macmillan, menerbitkan buku Perry, Couch Fiction: a Graphic Tale of Psychotherapy. Ini adalah novel grafis yang menceritakan kisah seorang psikoterapis dan kliennya, dari kedua sudut pandang mereka. Di bawah kotak novel grafis, Perry mengambil posisi komentator dan memberikan catatan kaki tentang apa yang mungkin terjadi di antara mereka dan teori apa yang sedang digambar atau harus ditarik oleh terapis. Ada kata penutup dari Andrew Samuels.
Pada bulan April 2016 Perry mengumumkan dukungannya untuk Women's Equality Party.
Philippa Perry menikah dengan artis Grayson Perry, dan mereka memiliki seorang putri, Florence, lahir pada tahun 1992. The Perrys tinggal di London. Dia sering ditanya bagaimana rasanya menikah dengan seorang waria dan berkata, "Menjadi istri seorang trannie itu hebat, dia selalu membuatku terlihat fantastis ".
Buku
- Couch Fiction: a Graphic Tale of Psychoteraphy. Palgrave Macmillan, 2010. With an afterword by Andrew Samuels.
- How to Stay Sane. The School of Life Self Help Series. Pan Macmillan, 2012. Edited by Alain de Botton.
- The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read (and Your Children Will be Glad That Your Did). London: Penguin, 2019.
Article
- Perry, Philippa (2007). "Working with Dissociation". The British Journal of Psychotherapy Integration. Palgrave Macmillan.
- Perry, Philippa (2009). "Relational Marketing?". The British Journal of Psychotherapy Integration. Palgrave Macmillan.
- Perry, Philippa (18 January 2011). "How to be happy: a psychotherapst's view". The Guardian.
- Perry, Philippa (2 May 2010). "Ideas for modern living: chemistry". The Guardian.
- Perry, Philippa (23 February 2012). "Gender and the tyranny of the normal". The Guardian.
- Perry, Philippa (3 April 2012). "Why children kill their parents". The Guardian.
Sumber: Wikipedia
Rekomendasi
Buku ini saya rekomendasikan kepada pembaca yang mencari buku parenting yang membahas hubungan orangtua dan anak. Tidak ada praktikal tips, trik, dan parenting hack seperti potty-training dan lain sebagainya di buku ini, tapi buku ini membahas fondasi awal sebuah pola pengasuhan yang penting untuk semua orangtua pahami dan lakukan. Ada banyak kasus-kasus dalam pola pengasuhan dan situasi orangtua yang diangkat di buku ini, yang related dengan kenyataan yang ada, karena Perry mengangkat kasus-kasus yang memang ia tangani sebagai psikoterapis sekian tahun lamanya. Ada solusi dan saran yang ditawarkan, bahkan latihan yang bisa kita gunakan untuk memecahkan problema yang dihadapi oleh kita sebagai orangtua. Perry tidak hanya membahas pengasuhan anak di buku ini, tapi juga concern pada kebahagiaan dan kestabilan mental orangtuanya. Dan pengasuhan yang dibahas juga memiliki range usia yang luas, yakni dari bayi, balita, hingga remaja (bahkan dewasa muda).
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